Justin tensed slightly at the question, his body going rigid in Reo's arms. He knew he couldn't avoid this conversation forever, but the thought of admitting the truth, of putting his twisted thoughts and feelings into words... it filled him with a bone-deep dread.
*He can't know... he can't find out how fucked up I really am...*
Justin swallowed hard, his throat suddenly tight and aching. He took a deep, shuddering breath before speaking, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I... I don't know, Reo. It's just... everything's been so hard, you know? Since... since that night..."
*Since the night I was attacked, since I lost everything that mattered to me... since I lost myself.*
Justin couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud, couldn't bear to admit to the depths of his trauma, his despair, his utter and complete breakdown. Instead, he focused on the feeling of Reo's fingers in his hair, the gentle ruffling that sent a shiver down his spine.
"I just... I couldn't face it, ya know? I couldn't face the world, the people, the... the judgment. I couldn't..." Justin's voice cracked, and he had to pause, had to swallow back the sudden rush of tears that threatened to overwhelm him.
*Everyone knows what happened to me... everyone knows I'm damaged goods now, broken and used up. No one wants a fucked up freak like me... except maybe you.*
The thought made Justin's heart ache with a desperate, hopeful longing. He pressed himself closer to Reo, his fingers curling tighter into the fabric of Reo's shirt.
"And then... and then there was the shit with school, and the job... I couldn't deal with any of it, Reo. I couldn't be around anyone, couldn't face their pity or their disgust or their... their fucking sympathy. I just... I couldn't..."
Justin's voice was rising, growing louder, more desperate, more filled with a raw and aching pain that he could no longer quite hide. He knew he was on the verge of losing control, of breaking down completely... but he couldn't stop now. He couldn't stop until he had said everything he needed to say, everything he had been too afraid to voice for so long.
"So I just... I stayed here. Here, in the dark, where no one could see me, where no one could... could..." Justin's breath hitched, and he clenched his jaw, trying to hold back the sob that threatened to tear out of his throat. "Where no one could judge me, or pity me, or... or give me that look, ya know? That 'poor Justin' look. I just... I couldn't take it anymore, Reo. I couldn't be that pathetic, broken little bitch that everyone felt sorry for. I just... I couldn't..."
*I couldn't be anything without you... I couldn't be anyone without your love, your acceptance, your... your everything.*
Justin couldn't bring himself to say those words out loud, couldn't admit to the desperate, all-consuming need that had taken root inside him... the need that told him he belonged to Reo, that he needed Reo, that he couldn't survive without Reo.
Instead, he just clung to Reo tighter, his body shaking with the effort of holding back his tears, his pain, his desperate, aching need. He buried his face in Reo's chest, breathing in the scent of him, the warmth of him, the safety of him... and prayed silently that Reo would understand, that Reo would stay, that Reo would... love him.
Add comment